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  • Emily Bigelow

The decision to decide is a decision in itself

Updated: Feb 17

My own journey through discovery to decision...


How uncomfortably important is living true to your convictions and inner knowing



An Explanation to My Love


I know you think I have been obsessed with all this Covid stuff. You have felt like I was in it too much, too deep or too often. The truth is - My soul, my spirit was wrestling like it has at no other time in my personal history, to determine or decide and decipher truth, because the consequences of choices NOW impact life at every level. I do not take it lightly, and therefore I had to go deep and thoroughly research before making a life impacting decision.


You can’t get to the truth by trying to prove what you already believe. You have to stay open to wherever the evidence leads.

Life took us all on this Journey


I did not look for this. None of us have looked for this... the last few years since 2020.


Yet we have been placed in situations where decisions must be made, it’s literally come down to life or death situations for many of us, and that has landed on our laps.


None of us have looked for this experience.


I know sometimes the dark night of the soul requires “suffering in silence”

I chose silence. I wanted all voices outside of myself to not filter into any of my decision or thought processes, so I’ve said nothing to friends or family, except a little to Brent. It is also important to me that I don’t sway anyone else’s journey to discovery. So I’ve really shared none of this.




Cognitive Dissonance -


By definition is: psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.


I had 2 opposing beliefs that created cognitive dissonance, to the very uncomfortable point of having to settle these questions, then being willing to make a decision.


My questions:

1- is the Covid vax creating all the problems of neurological, reproductive, blood issues ie heart, clots etc, along with ALL the dark agenda… like depopulation - Agenda 2030, and made of nefarious unnamed ingredients that scientists were finding - as the vax insert is blank.


2- “The prophet cannot lead you a stray” … The Official written Church stance released suggesting members get the Vax and also mask. Is it true that "The prophet can not lead you astray" ... and where is the foundation to this belief?


And if the first question is yes, how can the second question be answered also in the affirmative.


Church Art below:



If you don't have the question, the answer is irrelevant


A friend gave me a book "randomly" called Seekers Wanted. Written a BYU history professor Anthony Sweat … this book is all about information seeking, and what/how to find correct non biased information. I have found in my life that I enjoy seeking, learning, and that a teacher always points to their teacher. Seekers Wanted lead me to a book called Rough Stone Rolling.


A jaw drop, vivid piece, for me, to the book Seekers Wanted was the fact that church artwork does not depict the translation (and more) the way it happened. Anthony Sweat created artwork that depicts the truth of Joseph translating into a hat through a “seer stone” … a rock.

I never knew this.


Anthony Sweat Art below:





After reading Rough Stone Rolling, (available at Desert Book) which is written by Richard Bushman, a Professor of history at Columbia who earned his graduate at Harvard, who has taught at BYU (among other colleges) an editor for the Joseph Smith Papers Project and now serves on the national advisory board, and is listed as a practicing Mormon, I figured it was a fair place to read about Church history...outside of books that have printed "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" on the back... as I have never read church history outside of books that have that stamp on the back.



I had a dream some months ago where we were at a family gathering of some sort, in a waiting room at a temple. The time came for all to move to the next room, but …. I knew I would not be - because my temple recommend was expired. I knew from that dream I had a decision to make.


At some point after a thorough investigation you have to choose the most likely scenario.


I have dug deep into each question of my 2 opposing questions. I decided early on to, with as little bias as possible, stay open to wherever the evidence leads. And have settled on what I know.


I have decided that yes, the vax is and is proving to be all the deep dark agenda that I believe it is, and so… Time will reveal more of the side effects, deaths, lies and corruption about the Covid narrative and vax agenda.


I’ve also learned where the belief came from of “ The prophet cannot lead you astray” ... I have seen all of the mental gymnastics trying to make behavior fit beliefs and explain away what is, and has happened. The learned belief that "the prophet can't lead you astray" had to be instilled early on in the church. A control mechanism of sorts.


After reading the biography - Jospeh Smith - Rough Stone Rolling - and then comparing what the church has decided to tell as history, I am sad that things which I believe are fundamental, have been hidden.


I believe we have not been told the truth. Critical truths. My beliefs of how everything that happened - according to church history- to establish the church, have been mislead.


I decided last June I could not pay tithing to the church after learning the church was donating millions to the vax. My recommend expired in Sept. I’ve decided a few weeks back not to renew my temple recommend.


Another recommend question I could not answer as approved, is do I sustain the prophet? Well, can he lead people astray?


I do believe any organization or entity pushing the vax and speaking in the affirmative for the vax IS leading people astray, and following the deep dark agenda, Agenda 2030, One World Order.


To say nothing of the moral or ethical behavior of this 'dispensations' beginning.

Truth matters to me. Even, and especially even, if it’s hard.

I am not going to do mental gymnastics nor can I go along to get along.


I guess in summary I will not be supporting organized religion. It has been used for centuries to control the masses. My relationship with God, and Jesus is deep, personal, and I believe their love is unconditional, that it's between them and me… and does not require the approval, or going through men to get to them.


The last few years has been quite the test on humanity. I have been tested to what I am willing to do for my God given freedom, for the safety and well-being of my family, and how much does the truth of it all really matter to me. What part of life will I alter to to stick to that truth? Religion is proving the same. I can not go along with a lie, just to get along.


I take with me only the good and the wisdom I have gleaned from this part of my souls evolution journey.


I have made my decision.

It's okay for it to be hard to make a decision, and as hard as it was, it's not hard to make a decision once you know what your values are.


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